Mindset Tips & Tricks

Lust – Learn – Love (4 min. read)

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How long does it take to fall in love?

As a performing artist I often work together with inspiring people for a long and intensive period of time, sometimes cramped in little rehearsal spaces and when accompanied by beautiful music, it can bring out many emotions. My mentor Jay Shetty talked about this subject and that’s why I was inspired to write a blog on How long does it take to fall in love?

I am sure you have asked yourself this question at some point.
How long does it take to fall in love?
What does it mean to fall in love?
How do you know you have fallen in love?

I have been around people that told me that the minute they saw the other they knew they were meant for each other.
And then there are people, who spend already 9,10 years together and are still not sure if this is the real thing. They are still not sure if they are truly in love.

Picture by Worth While Hearts

Most of us spend time in a space where we can figure out if we are in love with the person we’re dating or not. So there are some point to be taken into account:

Point 1:
Recognize that everyone is on a different timeline.
For sure you have heard these stories of people who knew after one date that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, or people go got engaged only after a few weeks.
This can give enormous pressure to the ones who are not sure yet or those that are still single.
Just remember that this pressure is hugely overrated. It’s false pressure. Timing is different for every individual and you don’t have to settle for less than you deserve because everyone else around you is already together/married/with children.

Picture by Worth While Hearts

Point 2.
There are these 3 stages of falling in love. You can’t skip a stage, you can’t skip a step.

 Being attracted or not. This includes looks and personality.
 Character, dreams and values, getting to know them.
 Are you in love? Is this the right person for you at this moment? This requires TIME.

How often have you mixed these stages?

I certainly did. About 10 years ago I was super attracted to a sweet and super handsome ballet dancer. I thought he was the one. But that was only my stage 1. Pretty looks and sweetness weren’t enough. As it turned out 6 months into the relationship, we didn’t share the same life goals, dreams and not even the same values. It had no future.

The other way around can also happen. That you know someone already for years and are good friends so at some point you both decide to start dating because you know each other so well, so this MUST work right? Unfortunately not always. You can’t force yourself up to stage 3.

So the 3 separate stages naturally evolve over time.
When you can fall for someone very easily. (stage 1)  Just ask yourself the question if it’s more than pure attraction and lust? Sure it can feel a lot like love in the beginning and that’s where we get confused.
To give it more time will help us understand if it is really Love what we are feeling.

I have a good friend and colleague who basically falls in love with a new person every week between February and June.
It has become a joke between us. It’s not Love. It is attraction and infatuation and lust for many different beautiful lady and guy friends/colleagues. Plus springtime for sure. But not love. That takes time.

Also: You don’t have to become all excited when someone promises you Love as in: I love you.
Let them show it through actions.
When we hear about Love, we get super excited. Dopamine all over the place.
But experiencing Love is much more meaningful.

People with good intentions make promises, people with good character keep them.
– Jay Setty

Of course, it is normal that when we meet someone we might feel attraction right away.
And that is super exciting. Just make sure to not confuse it with Love, eternity and making big life decisions.

Don’t make a long term decision based on a temporary emotion.
–Jay Shetty

Picture by Worth While Hearts

So when you are attracted to someone. Make yourself ask the question: What TYPE of attraction is this?

Is it :

Actually, you can apply this in every area of your life. It’s true for friends, colleagues, for your work etc.

Ask yourself: Why are you attracted to someone?

Is it purely physical? The feeling of I WANT them, I just want them RIGHT NOW!

Is it Financial? Meaning: You like what they have. Where they live, the car they drive, the job they have? This doesn’t make you a shallow person at all. All it says is that Financial attraction is the winning factor of the 5 types.

Is it Mental attraction? Are you Inspired by them? Maybe almost to the level that you would like to BE them. Are you impressed by their mental abilities? Or intellectual ability? Are you fascinated by someone’s mind?

What about Emotional attraction?
Are you lonely? Do you want to be with someone who will give you attention? Who will make you feel less lonely?
This I see happening a lot around me and to be honest I am sure I have done it myself in the past, but I figured out that I should not try to be with someone because I am lonely. I should be with someone when I am ready.
If its emotional attraction then that probably means you need someone to fill an emotional hole in yourself and this is painful.
I have a friend who’s boyfriend is often away. When they meet up its mostly pure lust, which is totally fine,  but I know from his side that it’s also because the idea of being a couple, having someone even if they are away, is making my friend escaping from the things he has to fix with himself. Escaping from the thoughts about his past and the emotional hole in his own being.

Picture by Worth While Hearts

And then there is Spiritual attraction.
Do you have the same goals? The same purpose?  Do the same things matter to you?

So ask yourself the reason for the attraction.
A little too often we just get stuck in the Physical level and then we over commit to all the other aspects of a relationship.

All these reasons I mentioned above are perfectly normal for feeling attracted to someone, but it’s only when you are able to go BEYOND that, to figure out if you really love them.
As it turns out we already know that it only takes 3 dates to know if we are attracted to someone, whatever type of attraction.
So after that time, we need to really get to KNOW someone.

Point 2.
Getting to know someone in different environments, with different emotions and different energy levels. This is the Learning phase.
Because at some point everyone is going to have a bad day. Everyone will experience stress and anxiety and we all get tired at some point.
We have to know, we have to see our love –interest in that way as well. We cannot expect them to always be the same as when they are on a date with us.
We have to see them in different lights to really get to know more about their character, about their reality. Not only on the date-night.
How does that person respond to anger, communication issues, stress, fatigue?
That’s where you find out much about the compatibility of you two.

You cannot skip this stage.
You cannot go from LUST to LOVE. In between, there are things to LEARN. That is Point 2.
Do not neglect this one.

Picture by Worth While Hearts

Point 3: Are you in Love?
Positive thinkers are tending to think they are in love more easily.
Live-Love-Laugh, right? Don’t I know it?
When you are one of these annoying positive thinking people, like me, It is super important to spend time at point 2. The LEARNING PHASE. So you can get to know your love-interest better because people actually show us who they are. They show true colours.
Only often we tend to make them sound, feel like we want them to. In the stories, we tell our friends about that particular person, knowing deep down that maybe they are not that great.  
I always see the good in people, their endless potential and there positive sides which often leads to one of those mirror moments when I have to admit to myself: Yup…I guess he is not who I thought he was.

The last thing I wanted to point out:
One of the way to accelerate the “getting to know someone” process is known as reciprocal escalating self-disclosure. An expensive term that is used by social scientists.
When both parties reveal vulnerable things about themselves, and after this, if both still feel comfortable, they will be confident enough to continue to reveal more. That’s when you’re really start to get to know the other person.
We all have parts that we want people to know about and there are also parts we rather hide.
But for a relationship to evolve into Love, there are things the other person needs to know in order to create reciprocal escalating self-disclosure, which actually means: more vulnerability.
Feeling validated and understood is something we all like. And that might even lead to Love.

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog, I for sure enjoyed writing it for you.
If you want to know more about the journey I embarked on feel free to contact me through this site or you can even book a session with me now if you want to know more about changing your mindset and manifesting the things you want in life.

All the pictures inside the text are made by my friend Pilar from Spain.
She sends out packages of hearts over the entire world. You can order them here.
Its a super special way to tell someone how you feel about them. Make someone happy today!
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